


Dependent

by TRANSfiguration_King



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-02
Updated: 2016-08-24
Packaged: 2018-07-28 19:21:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7653640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TRANSfiguration_King/pseuds/TRANSfiguration_King
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aaron Hotcher has always considered himself a very independent man, he had a good job, a good kid, and he didn't need anyone's help. But when his wife Haley dies, Hotch finds himself in an unfamiliar and uncomfortable position; dependent.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Trigger

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: Self Harm and Mentions of death.

     "Hotch, you're gonna be okay." 

The aforementioned person looked up to who had spoken as he quietly pulled from his thoughts. It was Morgan, but his eyes didn't linger long as he was quickly drawn back into his own subconscious.  

_How could any of this possibly be okay?_

   He looked back down to his blood covered hands that were shaking from he adrenaline.

He had just killed Foyet. He wasn't proud of what he had done, but he wasn't all that upset either. He didn't really know what to feel, Foyet had just murdered his ex-wife, but he didn't feel  _anything._

He flinched as he felt a hand touch his shoulder, and then he heard the same voice from earlier.

     "Hotch, you tried everything you could, man. There was nothing you could do. It wasn't your fault."

Hotch could hear Morgan emphasizing every word in that last sentence as to make it clear to him that he was not to blame. But Hotch pretended not to hear. It  _was_ his fault, and now Haley is dead.

After what seemed to be only seconds later, Hotch was back at his hotel room. He threw his briefcase on the side table next to the door and looked around at the small space.

He wanted to be angry. He wanted to flip a desk, kick a chair. He wanted to break down crying, or scream until his throat went raw, but he didn't feel anything.

He needed some way to let out all of the pent up emotions that were buried beneath layers of professionalism. 

He felt his breath start to quicken. He wasn't sure what was going on, but as he looked around the room hyperventilating he realized what it was, a panic attack. 

His eyes darted all over the spinning room looking for something to help calm him down. He needed to feel something, he needed a release of some sort. 

Then a thought occurred to him.

He had seen the act before due to the nature of his job, but he had never tried it himself. If you had asked him in the past about the psychology of the subject he could have tell you why people did it and everything you could possibly need to know on the matter. But now that he felt the urge to do so himself, everything was _different_ somehow. He felt that he truly understood how all of those people felt. 

He walked calmly, albeit a little shakily, to where he had put down his briefcase, and pulled out a small pocket knife that he usually kept on a strap on his ankle for emergencies. He wasn't wearing it now because the case was over and he had felt that he no longer needed it. 

He eyed the small object, intrigued as he fingered the blade.

_No._

Hotch dropped the knife on the table and took a step back. He could'nt do this. He could lose his job, he had a kid to look after.

But the more reasons of why he thought that shouldn't do it, the more reasons of why he should swarmed his mind. 

Besides what Morgan said, it was  _his_ fault. His. Haley was dead because of him. He put Jack in danger. What kind of a father does that? Also, he wouldn't have to worry about his team, or anyone else, finding out.  He was a profiler, he knew exactly what to say and do as to not lead suspicion to himself. Besides, Jack was with Haley's sister tonight giving him the prime opportunity to do as he pleases. 

Without another thought Hotch picked up the knife and walked into the bathroom.

 


	2. The Start

Aaron Hotchner would never have suspected that he would be doing what he was about to be doing. Hotch slid down the bathroom wall and rolled up his dress shirt sleeve. He looked down at his arm and placed the knife down slowly to the underside of his forearm sucking in a short small gasp at the sudden pain flaring up his arm. 

He felt all his anxiety wash away and he felt a weight lift off his shoulders, a sense of peace that he hadn't felt for years.

_This is better than I ever thought it could possibly be._

Hotch brought the knife down a couple more times, leaving him now with a total of 10 new cute. Some were deeper than others. 

He watched in a sort of sick fasination at the deep red that dripped slowly down his arm and onto his pristine tiled bathroom floor. He leaned across his floor and opened the cabinet underneath the sink. He grabbed the first aid kit and opened it, shuffling around until he found the alcohol wipes, and some gauze. 

Before doing anything with his cuts, he looked back down at them once more realizing that he might have gotten a little carried away. The 10 new cuts varied in size and deepness, the most recent being the deepest. The alcohol wipe was torn open and placed onto the cuts as he tried to clean up the blood, along with trying to prevent the risk of infection. _The last think I need is for any cuts to get infected._   _I can't afford to let this get out of control,_ he thought to himself while trying to ignore the stinging pain in his arm caused be the alcohol wipes. 

Hotch took the gauze and wrapped it around his arm a couple of times so that he wouldn't bleed through it and ruin his work shirt.

He picked up some toilet paper and cleaned up all of the blood off of his floor. He then grabbed the first aid kit and went to put it away.

**KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK**

Hitch dropped the first aid kit in surprise and started to panic. _Fuck, fuck, fuck._

"Hotch, hey, it's Morgan."

"I'll be there in just a second." He yelled back whilst trying to keep his voice level. 

Hotch frantically started to pick up all of the medical supplies that had fallen out of the kit due to his stumble. He shoved them all back into the kit and threw it back under the sink, along with the knife.

He stood up, rolled down his shirt sleeve and straightened out his clothes. Taking a deep breath, he walked to the door.

 

* * *

Hotch pulled open the door and was greeted by Morgan's concerned face. 

"Are you okay, man? I texted you a couple of times, called too, no answer." 

_I'm such an idiot, I should have took my phone with me, of **course** they would be checking up on me. _ He thought internally smacking himself, looking to the side table to see his phone lit up with several notifications. 

"Yeah sorry, I was in the shower."

Morgan gave Hotch a look of disbelief. "Then why aren't you wet?"

"Look, it's getting late, I'm going to turn in. Sorry that you came down here for nothing, but I really am fine."

Hotch tried to close the door but Morgan stopped it with his foot and look Hotch in the eye. 

"Evasion." Morgan narrowed his eyes. "What are you hiding?" Pause. "You are obviously not okay, _and_ you're lying to me. I'm coming in."

Hotch started to protest but Morgan was already inside. 

Morgan looked around the place trying to find something out of the ordinary, but seeing nothing strange, he turned back to Hotch who was standing awkwardly by the door. 

"Hotch, what's up?" 

_Well, it's too late to say 'nothing' as he obviously knows something is up. So as long as I give him something to work with, then maybe he'll leave it alone._ Hotch thought quickly, trying to find a way out of the situation. 

"I-I was just blaming myself for Haley's death and I didn't feel like talking to anyone." Hitch said hesitantly, _technically that's true._

There was a long silence filled with Hotch and Morgan staring at each other. 

Morgan wasn't sure if he should believe him or not, he didn't _seem_ to be lying, but he also felt as though Hotch was not telling the _whole_ truth.

After quite a few more seconds of silence, Morgan inclined his head in acceptance. 

"I'm sorry for barging in on you Hotch. You had me worried, hell the whole team is worried about you. You seem a little... Distant."

"It's alright." As to not arouse suspicion, Hotch tried to make Morgan feel as though he was opening himself up some, not isolating himself. "If it makes you feel more comfortable, you are more than welcome to stay for a little while. We could watch a movie?"

"You know what? I'll take you up on that." 

Hotch was _hoping_ that Morgan would decline, being that it is midnight, but he smiled and mutter a 'great', as he prepared himself for the night to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please spare a moment of your time to review. Thanks for reading!


	3. Teamwork

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating this past weekend, I was having technical difficulties and then writers block.

Five minutes had passed, five  _very_ awkward minutes of small talk, and Morgan was sure that something seemed off about Hotch.  _Well, we can't stand here all day._

"Hey man, you hungry at all? I could order a pizza or something?"

Hotch raised an eyebrow in question,  _it's  past midnight, who would want a pizza at this time?_ He politely declined, picked up his phone from the counter, then headed to his living room. 

Once in the living room and sitting comfortably on the couch, Hotch looked up to Morgan who was standing awkwardly in the doorway. He motioned to the chair opposite of himself for Morgan to sit. 

Morgan may have been comfortable and intruding earlier, but as his concern for Hotch's safety wore off, so did his confidence. There he was standing in his boss' hotel after forcing his way inside. 

"Sorry once again for barging in on you, I was just..." He trailed off, clearly uncomfortable in the situation he had put himself in.

"Worried." Hotch finished.

Morgan scratched the back of his neck in discomfort as he muttered a quiet "yeah", and took the seat opposite of Hotch.

There was a couple of minutes of uncomfortable silence once more as they both tried to figure out what to say to the other. Then finally Hotch broke the seemingly deafening silence. 

"So what movie did you want to watch?"

* * *

 

The two BAU men ended up decided on Rush Hour 3. Even though the movie was a very inaccurate representation of police work, they both still found it incredibly entertaining. 

However, about an hour into the move Hotch started to doze off. Morgan looked over to him and smiled lightly to himself,  _He could definitely use the rest._ Morgan shook his head in a silent laughter, turned off the movie, and threw a blanket over Hotch. Finally, he scribbled a quick note and placed it next to Hotch's phone on the coffee table. 

Morgan saw himself out of Hotch's hotel with the intent of coming back later that morning. 

* * *

_This is a rather uncomfortable position._ Hotch's eyes opened as he took in his surroundings _, Why am I asleep on the couch?_ The memories from the night before came rushing back as he remembered everything. The cutting, Morgan almost finding out, Morgan staying for a movie. _Speaking of Morgan, where is he?_ Hotch say up a little straighter and looked around the empty hotel room. Not seeing Morgan, he went to grab his cell but instead stopping when he saw the note next to it. 

_Hotch,_

_You fell asleep during the movie, no hard feelings though, you looked like you could use the rest. I hope you don't mind, but I borrowed your spare key so that I could lock the place up._

_I'll be back in the morning at around 9._

Hotch looked down at his watch, 8:30. 

_See you then,_

_Morgan._

Hotch sighed and shuffled into his bedroom to grab some clean clothes before making his way to the bathroom _. I guess I should get cleaned up._

He tried to ignore the memories from the night before as he started up the shower. He stripped out of all his clothes until he was left with nothing but the bandage from the night before. Hotch slowly started unraveling the gauze from around his arm, hissing at the pain of the deeper cuts re-opening. _The cuts_. He couldn't help but stare. They were an angry red that just screamed " _You're fucked up_ ", at him. 

He stood there in the shower for several minutes just staring at his arm in wonderment. It was fascinating in a way that he couldn't explain. 

_I better get out of the shower so that I'm ready for when Morgan gets here_. Hotch turned off the water and grabbed the clothes that he had picked out for himself off the bathroom counter. Black jeans and a button down shirt. 

Hotch put on the black jeans happy with the comfort choice he had made. Before putting on his shirt he made sure to re-wrap the cuts from the previous night, hebcouldn't afford to get an infection. 

As he buttoned the last button on his shirt, he heard a knock on the door. _Morgan_. 

* * *

 

"Hey Morgan, welcome back." Hitch stated dryly to the aforementioned man in his doorway. 

"Hey Hotch, I can't stay long. We got a new case back at the BAU, and I just wanted to check up on you before I went down. You doing alright?"

"I'm fine, Morgan. Go."

"Alright... But hey if you need anything don't hesitate to call." With a final sad smile, Morgan left. 

_Finally, I'm alone. Where was I?_ And Hotch slammed the door behind him. 

* * *

 

It had been several weeks since Haley's death, and it was now Hotch's first day back at the BAU. 

During his vacation, Hotch had continued with his newly discovered coping method, and he had no plans to stop anytime soon. He passed his Psych eval. (After all, he practically wrote all of the questions), and he was ready to get back to work. 

He walked in, nodded to his colleagues in hello, and then made his way to his office not aware of all of his team watching closely below. 

* * *

 

J.J. was pouring a cup of coffee while watching Hotch look through paperwork in his office. He seemed _off_. J.J. was so focused on Hotch that she didn't even notice her mug starting to overflow until the hot coffee splashed on her hand.

"Oh my god." She frantically reached for some napkins to throw on the spill and then she put her hand under the cold tap. She inwardly cursed but stopped when she heard the chuckle from beside her. 

"J.J. you know the coffee is supposed to go _in_ the mug right?" Morgan laughed as he went to help her clean up the spilt coffee. 

After cleaning up the coffee, and a couple of minutes of Morgan teasing her for her mess up, J.J. turned serious. 

"Morgan, something's off about Hotch." She signed running a hand through her blonde hair, "I don't know what it is, but there's something different."

"Well his ex-wife did _just_ die."

J.J. and Morgan turned to see Rossi standing behind them. 

"Come on Rossi. You've know Hotch for _years_ , don't tell me something isn't off about him." Morgan said quietly.

"Oh no, I didn't say there _wasn't_ something wrong. Just merely pointing out the obvious."

"I agree with Morgan and J.J. There's definitely something going on. On average Hotch reads a report in 12 minutes 30 seconds. He's been reading the same one for the a little over 20."

The group turned to see Reid getting up from his desk a couple of feet away to join them.

"See Rossi, the kid thinks somethings off."

"Morgan, like I said, I didn't say that something _wasn't_ off-" Rossi started, before being cut off by Hotch who had come out of his office. 

"We have a case."

They watched as Hotch walked into the conference room, and then slowly started making their way there too.

"Morgan, is Hotch going to be okay? I'm worried."

"It's okay baby girl, he doesn't have to work through this alone. We can help him." Morgan stopped and turned to the rest of the group and lowered his voice, "We _all_ can." 

The others nodded in agreement, and made the rest of the walk to the conference room in silence. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please spare a moment of your time to review. Thanks for reading!


	5. The Case

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to continue to try to do updates once a week, but I may miss some updates once in a while. College is starting, so a lot of my time is taken up with that. 
> 
> This chapter has some gore.

"There has been a double homicide in Silverton, Colorado. Two young boys, Marcus, 8, and Edward, 7, were found eviscerated in an alleyway two hours ago. Preliminary autopsy places time of death at 2-4 hours before discovery."

"Why do they need our help for this case? It isn't serial." Morgan asked Hotch.

_How_ they found the boys is the reason that they called us. Both boys had their wrists and throats slashed, hearts missing, and eyes ripped from their sockets. There is evidence that they had both been sexually assaulted, post-mortum-"

Hotch paused as he looked at the faces of the group in front of him. They were all scrolling through the crime scene photos in front of them. Morgan and Rossi looked angry, where as Garcia and J.J. looked disgusted.

Hotch continued, "Also-"

"-their nipples were cut off?" Morgan finished in question.

"Yes, and their genitalia as well."

 Garcia squirmed in her seat before looking at Hotch, who upon seeing her gaze motioned to the door.

"Thank you, sir."

And with that, Garcia was gone and the group continued.

"What do you think is the significance of the nipples?" Asked Prentiss to the group.

"It could be kept as a sort of trophy for him." Rossi suggested.

"He could be using them in some way, Ed Gein cut the nipples off his victims and used them to create what he called a 'nipple belt'." Reid said jumping in.

"Either way, the Silverton Police is under-manned and not equipped to deal with what seems to be the start of a spree. We've been officially invited in, wheels up in 20."

The room quietly dispersed as everyone went to get their go bags and other essentials, but one person stayed behind with Hotch, who was looking through the case file in front of him.

"Hey Hotch, I just wanted to say welcome back." 

"Thanks Morgan. Sorry, I have some stuff I need to get together." 

And with that, Hotch left for his office leaving Morgan behind.

* * *

 

They were all on the jet on the way back from Colorado. The case had been a particularly hard one. The unsub managed to kill three more boys before they were able to stop him.

It ended up being Reid who connected the metaphorical dots on the unsub. He profiled that the unsub suffered from both PTSD and dissociative identity disorder, and that he was likely engaging in some form of self harm. 

This profile ended up leading them directly to the doorstep of one Sebastian Payne. 

Sebastian had a troubled upbringing. He was abused physically and sexually by his father, and his mother cold and unloving. His mother committed suicide when he was 8 leaving Sebastian with nothing but self loathing and hatred. He was an outcast from his peers and was in and out of psychiatric facilities for attempts on his life. Overall, he was non-aggressive, at least until his father died of a heart attack. Angered that he would never get revenge on his father, he dissociated and entered a fugue state. He couldn't remember most of his life, the only thing he remembered was his father. Sebastian was not confident enough to attack grown men, so he instead he took the anger for his father out on young boys. From there he did to them what his father had done to him, also adding the things his father had threatened to do. 

The unsub was finally stopped by Morgan, who was forced to shoot him. Unfortunately it didn't stop him from killing the young boy in his grasp.

The whole team was taking it hard. It was always horrible when innocent people died, but even more so when they were just kids. However, some of them, were taking it harder than others. 

J.J., Morgan, Reid, and Rossi were all sitting together talking in hushed voices. 

"Okay. Something is _definitely_ up with Hotch." Morgan stated sneaking a glance at the man across the jet who seemed to be fast asleep. 

"I agree, but this  _is_ his first case back, we need to keep that in mind." Rossi added, always being the voice of reason. 

"We also should realize that this was a hard case for all of us, and that's without us having been gone for a couple of weeks to be with our  _kid_." J.J. finished, emphasizing the word 'kid'.

Reid was about the jump in the conversation but was stopped by a look from Morgan who subtly motioned to Hotch who was now awake. 

Hotch got up and crossed beside the group to go and get some coffee. 

"I'll talk to him." Reid volunteered, getting up and walking to where Hotch was standing. 

* * *

 

"Hey Hotch." Reid said casually grabbing a mug. 

"Reid." Hotch nodded, as he poured some coffee into his mug and Reids'. 

"Tough case today, huh?"

Hotch tensed up at the mention of the case, before taking a breath and answering,"Yes, it was a rather unfortunate one." 

Reid nodded,"We did everything we could. Our profile was spot on, right down to the self harm. He had self inflicted cuts all over his body." He paused. "There is only so much we can do." 

Hotch slammed the coffee mug down on the counter with a loud **THUD** and was now glaring daggers at Reid. "I'm going to finish the paperwork." He muttered through gritted teeth. Hotch then walked back to his seat, leaving his half spilt coffee cup behind with Reid. 

Reid sighed and walked back over to the others who were looking at him inquisitively. 

"I tried." He said simply before taking his seat once more. 

The team could hear the conversation that Reid and Hotch had, and could _definitely_ hear him slamming his coffee mug on the counter. 

Rossi and the others just shrugged and pegged Hotch's moodiness as a result of the tough case, but Morgan didn't think so. 

_Hotch was fine talking about the case in the beginning, yeah he got a little tense, but he didn't snap until the profile was mentioned._

_The profile. It **had** to be. _

_But what about the profile?_

_The abusive household? No, it can't be that. Death of a father? Probably not. Self harm?_

Morgan froze. 

_No. It **couldn't** be that._

He groaned in agitation before admitting defeat and closing his eyes. He would deal with this when they landed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My major being Criminal Psychology, in college really helped with writing this chapter haha

**Author's Note:**

> I know it's short but it's only the first chapter. Future ones will be longer, promise.


End file.
